I keep having the same dream...or nightmare over and over gain, this is the 3rd time I've had it and every time I have it it gets worse, more real. I don't know what to do at all. I think I have a feeling as to why this is going on. Which sucks because now I'm trying to avoid it all together. Rawr this sucks I rather be anywhere else right now. I rather be anyone else. To think someone cared about me that much and of course I'm proven wrong and I'm the only idiot just chilin there with the short end. I don't think it's fair, or right, to lead someone on like that and then poof, these important conversations never happened lalala. Well this only proves I'm the only reasonable adult here and now I'm stuck with getting over all the false hopes. Sure it looked like I didn't give two shits. That something like that kinda relationship wasn't possible, that she was making a big mistake. But yea, that's just how I am, rather push away the good things instead of embrace it and watch it all go to shit. Having that wall up is way safer than anything else so far.

So now I'm just floating around in awkward land cause I can't suppress these stupid ideas and she gets to roam around free and blonde about the whole ordeal!!! I don't know why but typing these things out helps, I have no one to talk to right now, pizza is in Chicago and meggles is working at le shop. So yea, Maybe if I just keep talking to myself, give myself enough time, I can forget all about it. Well for the most part, the fact that I care about her so damn much is never going to go the fuck away! My kingdom for a trip to the clubhouse right now. I'd drink til I didn't give a shit about anything anymore. And before I read this back and get mad at myself, it was just wishful thinking. I just feel that I was a bit lied to by the one person who I care about the most. And I can't even slap her in the face because she wouldn't know where it was coming from. I knew she was too immature, she's too immature to know what she's saying when it comes to relationships. But like a total idiot I let myself take those words seriously over time. Should of saw this coming though, I seam to attract harm wherever I go and whomever I'm with, guess I really am alone. Damnit.